Boyfriends and Porn...

Last night, my partner and I were talking with a friend. We somehow got on the subject of porn and Friend X said, "well, I keep porn on my computer." And then my boyfriend said, "me too."

Wait, what?

Now before you assume that I'm freaking out about just the porn itself, consider this: when we first started dating, we had a conversation about porn and masturbating. He said he'd looked at porn when he was younger but never really had an obsessive interest in it like some of his friends did. He also said he didn't masturbate to it anymore because, well, the thought of me was enough to, you know, up the circulation down there. His explanation was a sweet one that I didn't ask for but appreciated: why look at a exaggerated internet video when he could think of our own personal sexy time instead?

We have now been dating for a year and a half, and I've never assumed anything different. I also assumed he didn't keep porn on his computer because, well, the only reason why you keep porn is to help you jerk off.

So, part of my discomfort was the fact that I was only hearing about this change as a no-big-deal story in front of a friend. It made me feel like I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. After all, this isn't just a random story from his childhood that I've never heard of--this is a sexual aspect of him that I've been left in the dark about.

And why the change? Was I suddenly not enough to get him off anymore? Later when we talked about it, he said that wasn't true--it was more about his own laziness than a reflection of how he still felt about me.

We've always been open about masturbating, and we both do it when one of us is out of town. Sometimes he also does it late at night after I've politely declined his advances and he's just too freaking horny to fall asleep. In short, masturbating=fine, as long as it doesn't substitute us actually having sex.

But masturbating to porn?

I'm not gonna lie...the other part of my discomfort is the porn itself. To me, it seems like something you utilize when you're 15 and curious, or at whatever age and single. But when in a relationship? Why would you need to look at anonymous sex when you have a partner?

Then again, I'm also not that familiar with porn. As a product of our patriarchy, I've never sought it out and thus haven't needed it to get myself off, probably for the following reasons: 1) porn was taboo to me. It was probably taboo to all adolescents as well, but somehow I get the feeling that boys are more encouraged to seek it out than girls are. This is due to reason 2), in which porn is mainly marketed at and produced for straight (and probably white) men. While I'm sure there are women out there who also enjoy watching it, I get the feeling most of it (at least the hetero porn) is made from the point of view of a straight male. I'm specifically thinking of Playboy, Esquire, etc. Are there female equivalents? I can't think of any, but feel free to add or correct my assessment if you'd like.

So anyway, the other part of my discomfort is my actual discomfort with porn in the first place. From a feminist perspective, I guess I was proud of the fact that my boyfriend wasn't tuning into an industry that's been known to exploit women and children. But, I am also not ready to completely write off porn and deem it an evil of society just yet, as it is a form of sexual expression that can probably be done "right."

As far as my general attitude goes, I've generally reacted to porn as I have to video games--if people want to spend their time and money playing with them, by all means go for it. I particularly don't care for them but am also not interested in policing what other people do with their spare time (excluding child porn, video games with rape scenes, etc.).

However. It is different when your partner uses porn/video games than when your neighbor does. Especially the porn. Especially after he voluntarily gave it up and then changed his stance on it without telling me. Especially when it was presented in a casual conversation with a friend, instead of in an intimate conversation between the two of us. But, as usual, I am second-guessing myself. I fear that I am overreacting because I don't "understand" porn. I'm left with mulling over the perceived evils of it, and what it means in terms of sexuality, especially in the context of a relationship.

So, what do you think? Do you think it's weird for a boyfriend to look at porn when jerking off, even if it's only every once in a while? Is there some point about porn that I'm not "getting"? Am I overreacting?